i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
