does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
