first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
