why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
