I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
