I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
