He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
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