I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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