Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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