I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
