I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
