just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
