My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
