Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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