I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
