He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Randomize
