I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
