How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
