I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
