I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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