Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Randomize
