Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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