Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
