Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Randomize
