Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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