how can u be prego again
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
