I got chris browned last night
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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