I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
