Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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