I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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