NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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