As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
