Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
They are going to name an STD after you.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
