Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
