my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
