so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
