I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Let's get the cat blown out
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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