if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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