Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
