She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
