isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
