My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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