Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
