I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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