If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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