Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
