Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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