it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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