So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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