I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
